Chicago is a memory now, it went so fast. Except for the mess here, I wouldn't know I'd gone. That's not true, exactly. I brought some odd souveniers, a mussel and a cork from our French dinner, salt and pepper grinders from our shopping trips, and of course a few photos. Oops, Mussel shell!
I had a wonderful time being with Elissa and Hubert. They are really good to be around, they are so in love and their joy is contagious. I teased them about being "mushy" but I was really envious, I think.
We went wedding shopping at Ikea, to the boat yard to see Bonjour, dined out a lot, to friends for dinner, to the nail salon, and just bummed around some. Just spending time together was the important thing to me. We talked about families, past and present and future. And a host of other things...
George and I Skyped several times, he seemed to be ok (even when the TV died). I always worry about him, I can't help it. My trips have proven that he can survive without me. He let me know he missed me, which always makes me feel good!
Elissa took me in at the airport and insisted on staying until I got through security. She is so sweet and protective. There was no crying this time as much as I wanted to. I can't find words to describe how I felt watching her on the other side of the security line. She was so beautiful, and seemed so far away, even then.
So, I'm home, ready to go back to my route and to start working on new goals. It's March now, and Spring is just around the corner, Yeahhh!! I look forward to every day, and I'm grateful.
Peace.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Chicago's Comming!!
I am getting sooo excited-a week from today I'll be with Elissa (and Hubert), and we can get snowed in for all I care. The main thing is I just want to be with my "Baby Girl". She brings so much to me, and I am amazed and proud just to know her.
My time with Dr. Z yesterday was shared with George, and I am glad I had the idea. I have been worried about him, his depression took a nosedive after his eye doctor told him he had glaucoma and cataracts. She didn't tell him any information at all, and his mind went to the worst case scenario right away. He added it to his other health problems and started talking about which would kill him first. I have never heard him so fatalistic and it really bothers me. I just happened to have the appointment with Z and it was a godsend. He told George to first get information by going to the right doctor. (I said that too, but it didn't sink in) So we got two names of opthomologists from Z and George seemed calmer. Now, it's up to me to keep it moving and get an appointment today for him, asap. Not a problem. I love George and I want to see him happy and getting the most out of life.
There is a selfish side of me that needs my partner to be on the same page as me, because I want to share my good things with him. Also, it is so easy to get bummed out myself by all of this, I feel like I have to be on constant alert. I will continue to be grateful for all my blessings, and go on with MY life, right or wrong.
Peace
My time with Dr. Z yesterday was shared with George, and I am glad I had the idea. I have been worried about him, his depression took a nosedive after his eye doctor told him he had glaucoma and cataracts. She didn't tell him any information at all, and his mind went to the worst case scenario right away. He added it to his other health problems and started talking about which would kill him first. I have never heard him so fatalistic and it really bothers me. I just happened to have the appointment with Z and it was a godsend. He told George to first get information by going to the right doctor. (I said that too, but it didn't sink in) So we got two names of opthomologists from Z and George seemed calmer. Now, it's up to me to keep it moving and get an appointment today for him, asap. Not a problem. I love George and I want to see him happy and getting the most out of life.
There is a selfish side of me that needs my partner to be on the same page as me, because I want to share my good things with him. Also, it is so easy to get bummed out myself by all of this, I feel like I have to be on constant alert. I will continue to be grateful for all my blessings, and go on with MY life, right or wrong.
Peace
Sunday, February 7, 2010
"Life is Good"
I always like seeing that statement on bumper stickers, tire covers, etc. It has proven to be a great reminder at the worst times, sometimes. I'm a beliver, always have been, even before it got popular.
At this time I can say it with real gusto. I have been feeling so good, and experiencing some new emotions (or old ones long buried), that it is scary! How many people can say " I cried with happiness today"? I did.
Already I am learning at lot from working with Meals on Wheels, and the people at Rosewood. I mean learning about life, and myself, and new friends. I want/need to write about it all, to help me understand and remember.
One day last week I went in Nellie's room and she was sitting up at the table. She told me about the medication she had just taken, and how she had to sit up for thirty minutes afterward. For her bones. She always has a ton of meds sitting out in groups, and I think a lot of her time is spent taking them. She is usually pretty cheerful and matter of fact, she told me she's 94 years old and things happen to people when they get old. On this morning she made the comment out of the blue-"Sometimes life is hard". And I could see it in her face.
I left and had to take a little time in the restroom at St. Elmo.
St.Elmo is a little community at the foot of Lookout Mtn., and it's the name of the apartments that three of my "deliveries" are. The apartments are in what used to be St. Elmo Public School. Dated back to the 1930's, I believe. The floors are the original hardwood, and the signs and feel of the old school are everywhere. The apartments themselves are nice, and it's all very clean. I wouldn't mind living there, except that I am not quite "Senior" enough!!
Speaking of apartments, George agrees, it's time for us to find a new place. More on that later. Gotta go get coffee for my man....
Peace
At this time I can say it with real gusto. I have been feeling so good, and experiencing some new emotions (or old ones long buried), that it is scary! How many people can say " I cried with happiness today"? I did.
Already I am learning at lot from working with Meals on Wheels, and the people at Rosewood. I mean learning about life, and myself, and new friends. I want/need to write about it all, to help me understand and remember.
One day last week I went in Nellie's room and she was sitting up at the table. She told me about the medication she had just taken, and how she had to sit up for thirty minutes afterward. For her bones. She always has a ton of meds sitting out in groups, and I think a lot of her time is spent taking them. She is usually pretty cheerful and matter of fact, she told me she's 94 years old and things happen to people when they get old. On this morning she made the comment out of the blue-"Sometimes life is hard". And I could see it in her face.
I left and had to take a little time in the restroom at St. Elmo.
St.Elmo is a little community at the foot of Lookout Mtn., and it's the name of the apartments that three of my "deliveries" are. The apartments are in what used to be St. Elmo Public School. Dated back to the 1930's, I believe. The floors are the original hardwood, and the signs and feel of the old school are everywhere. The apartments themselves are nice, and it's all very clean. I wouldn't mind living there, except that I am not quite "Senior" enough!!
Speaking of apartments, George agrees, it's time for us to find a new place. More on that later. Gotta go get coffee for my man....
Peace
Monday, January 18, 2010
Intentions and The Route!
It's Monday and I'm looking forward to the week! It's great to say that and mean it, life seems to be unfolding for the good. Wait, I am intending life is unfolding for the good, for the Higher Power and all who believe. (I understand Intentions, but still can't word it right, but it works)
Elissa is happy and planning her wedding. I am so happy for her. I'm not sure about sharing her with someone else (that sounds ridiculas), but it is as it should be. I think she has found a good mate, one that I'll be happy to call son.
I'm not so sure about George. He struggles with physical pain even with the infusions and a boatload of medications. I hate it for him, I know pain can cloud ones vision. I try to help him and be positive. I share what I am learning with him, but he's not into talking about the spirit much. I wish he was, it would help us both. He worries and fusses and I have to be careful or he brings me down.
I love being able to talk to Dr. Z about anything. He is always upbeat in a quiet way that makes me feel at home. He is able to say a lot without talking much and I get so much good from that alone. I feel like he understands me, even when I don't. Starting back to see him has definitally been a good thing.
Work is wonderful. I don't feel like it's work at all, and it freaks me out to get a check on Fridays! I have gotten the route down pretty well, I still use the directions a good bit. More and more that's just for backup, though. I'm getting to know the people now and that's what it's really about. I got some valentines to give everybody, hopefully they'll bring a smile to them.
More next time....
Peace
Elissa is happy and planning her wedding. I am so happy for her. I'm not sure about sharing her with someone else (that sounds ridiculas), but it is as it should be. I think she has found a good mate, one that I'll be happy to call son.
I'm not so sure about George. He struggles with physical pain even with the infusions and a boatload of medications. I hate it for him, I know pain can cloud ones vision. I try to help him and be positive. I share what I am learning with him, but he's not into talking about the spirit much. I wish he was, it would help us both. He worries and fusses and I have to be careful or he brings me down.
I love being able to talk to Dr. Z about anything. He is always upbeat in a quiet way that makes me feel at home. He is able to say a lot without talking much and I get so much good from that alone. I feel like he understands me, even when I don't. Starting back to see him has definitally been a good thing.
Work is wonderful. I don't feel like it's work at all, and it freaks me out to get a check on Fridays! I have gotten the route down pretty well, I still use the directions a good bit. More and more that's just for backup, though. I'm getting to know the people now and that's what it's really about. I got some valentines to give everybody, hopefully they'll bring a smile to them.
More next time....
Peace
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year 2010!
I haven't done this in a while and it feels good to be writing again.
We all got through the holidays, and it turned out to be very nice. It was just the two of us and we really got into being together. I got a lesson in Making Do, as my oven quit and I cooked the turkey in the crockpot! Luckily, I had just gotten a breast, so it fit, barely. It turned out really good. As did the rest.
I started volunteering for Meals on Wheels right before Christmas and after one day they offered me a job! I deliver meals to homebound people M-F in the morning. It is as good as it comes for me and I love it. I went alone the first time last Wednesday, and got my first check since I became disabled! It was so cool!
I met Leigh and family in Dalton for dinner a couple of weeks ago and that was fun. It was good being with them. Leigh suprised me with a stocking filled with things like Mama used to. That was so special, I almost cried. Talk about thoughtful....
Elissa and Hubert went to France and I really missed being able to talk to her. We did Skype one day and they told me the news-Hubert officially proposed to her! On the Seine River, no less, along with champagne! He couldn't have gotten more romantic!! I look forward to helping with the wedding once she decides where and when.
I guess all in all it's been a pretty eventful time. Now I look forward to getting into a routine, and George and I getting down to business. I will try to keep up with this better.....
Peace
Monday, December 7, 2009
Back to Present!
I will get back to the corvette and the man called Stan (it took some work, but I remembered his name), after I stay in "now" for a bit. Sometimes it seems like looking back when I am already depressed just makes things now more depressing, I'm not sure why. Maybe because the lessons that I remember make me feel like I have failed. I have had so many chances...
...and look at me now. I am fifty now and on my birthday I made the statement that this would be my best decade yet. I have not gotten off to a very good start, my sobriety, relationship with George, finances, all wrong. I have some good things happening, and I try to dwell on them, but I have a nagging need to fix all the wrongs before I miss out on a good life. Or something.
In October George and I got in an argument over money spent on groceries (of all things), and mostly due to the fact that he'd been drinking all day, things escalated and his old violent self started showing. I could not talk to him and got scared so I left him. I was, for a short while, energized about starting a new life with Elissa close by. But I could not leave like that for lots of reasons, so I came home. Home. I'm still not sure I did what was best for me, as a woman, but it is the most responsible, I think.
I have since started therapy with Dr. Z, began looking for volunteer work, and try to be content with being a caregiver. That all doesn't sound like much. I am not content and I feel lonely and depressed. I know all the "have to dos" that is supposed to help, and I know I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and that is what I am doing. Some new things have come my way that are positive, Elissas' wedding being the biggest. I am so happy about her happiness. Seeing them at Thanksgiving was proof about that, and being included with the wedding plans makes me feel good and anxious all at once.
The above should be in two paragraphs, I started rambling. Before I started writing tonight I read everything up till now, and there have been lots of mistakes as far as writing goes. I'm glad I'm not being graded!
Christmas is comming and we are broke. I have tried to remember the reason, and be joyous, but, God help me, I have a ways to go. I keep trying though, one day at a time.
Peace
...and look at me now. I am fifty now and on my birthday I made the statement that this would be my best decade yet. I have not gotten off to a very good start, my sobriety, relationship with George, finances, all wrong. I have some good things happening, and I try to dwell on them, but I have a nagging need to fix all the wrongs before I miss out on a good life. Or something.
In October George and I got in an argument over money spent on groceries (of all things), and mostly due to the fact that he'd been drinking all day, things escalated and his old violent self started showing. I could not talk to him and got scared so I left him. I was, for a short while, energized about starting a new life with Elissa close by. But I could not leave like that for lots of reasons, so I came home. Home. I'm still not sure I did what was best for me, as a woman, but it is the most responsible, I think.
I have since started therapy with Dr. Z, began looking for volunteer work, and try to be content with being a caregiver. That all doesn't sound like much. I am not content and I feel lonely and depressed. I know all the "have to dos" that is supposed to help, and I know I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and that is what I am doing. Some new things have come my way that are positive, Elissas' wedding being the biggest. I am so happy about her happiness. Seeing them at Thanksgiving was proof about that, and being included with the wedding plans makes me feel good and anxious all at once.
The above should be in two paragraphs, I started rambling. Before I started writing tonight I read everything up till now, and there have been lots of mistakes as far as writing goes. I'm glad I'm not being graded!
Christmas is comming and we are broke. I have tried to remember the reason, and be joyous, but, God help me, I have a ways to go. I keep trying though, one day at a time.
Peace
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Austrailian
Looking back, this man seems to be too good to be true. He was real, though, and I wish I remembered more of the talks.
He was a trucker, making a haul to California, the last leg of a long trip. The day he picked me up was his birthday and he wanted company. He got it, too. I was treated that night to dinner and a shower at an Auto 76 truck stop. (There used to be quite a few of these places and they were very nice and big!) We even had drinks and danced at a bar close by, to celebrate his "forty something" birthday. We parked there all night and carried on the next morning, across Wyoming.
Wyoming is hugh to drive across, and I remember the wind. At one point we had a motorcycle in front of us and he was literally riding sideways in the wind. During this time, Casey offered to teach me to drive, but for some reason I said no. I cannot remember where, but we spent a second night together and the next day we came into Oregon.
By this time I had decided to head toward Eugene, Oregon, where my sister, Karen, lived. Early in the morning that we came into Oregon we stopped at a truck stop just to go to the restroom, but I had been in the back asleep. I woke up when we stopped, and after Casey had gone in, I went in too. I left my bag in the truck, planning on running in and out. Much to my dismay I came out in time to see Casey pulling onto the freeway!
Of course I freaked, but I had the sense to go to a trucker that was just getting ready to leave. I told him what had happened and begged a ride with him to see if I could catch up to Casey. We didn't catch up to him, but got him on the radio. He thought I was still in the back asleep all that time, and was very upset. The problem was compounded by the fact we were going through a mountian pass with nowhere to stop. It was even hard to talk on the radio...
At one point we went through a weigh station, and I had to ride in the sleeper due to the truckers' company policy. I had lost Casey and my bag, but we did get each other on the radio one more time to say goodbye. Also, to learn that Casey had left my bag on the side of the station, thinking we'd see it, but with me in the back we passed it. It would have been hard to miss, it was just a skate case and orange and white. Oh well..
When this ride came to an end it was a Sunday morning out in the middle of nowhere, eastern Oregon. Almost no traffic, just a Huddle House. I was tired and covered with road grime by the time a fancy Corvette approached. I knew he wouldn't stop, so I didn't even turn around when he passed, at first. When I did look much to my surprise, the 'vette was backing up to me! That began what turned out to be my last ride, with an Asian man in a show room Corvette, and what a ride!
Peace
He was a trucker, making a haul to California, the last leg of a long trip. The day he picked me up was his birthday and he wanted company. He got it, too. I was treated that night to dinner and a shower at an Auto 76 truck stop. (There used to be quite a few of these places and they were very nice and big!) We even had drinks and danced at a bar close by, to celebrate his "forty something" birthday. We parked there all night and carried on the next morning, across Wyoming.
Wyoming is hugh to drive across, and I remember the wind. At one point we had a motorcycle in front of us and he was literally riding sideways in the wind. During this time, Casey offered to teach me to drive, but for some reason I said no. I cannot remember where, but we spent a second night together and the next day we came into Oregon.
By this time I had decided to head toward Eugene, Oregon, where my sister, Karen, lived. Early in the morning that we came into Oregon we stopped at a truck stop just to go to the restroom, but I had been in the back asleep. I woke up when we stopped, and after Casey had gone in, I went in too. I left my bag in the truck, planning on running in and out. Much to my dismay I came out in time to see Casey pulling onto the freeway!
Of course I freaked, but I had the sense to go to a trucker that was just getting ready to leave. I told him what had happened and begged a ride with him to see if I could catch up to Casey. We didn't catch up to him, but got him on the radio. He thought I was still in the back asleep all that time, and was very upset. The problem was compounded by the fact we were going through a mountian pass with nowhere to stop. It was even hard to talk on the radio...
At one point we went through a weigh station, and I had to ride in the sleeper due to the truckers' company policy. I had lost Casey and my bag, but we did get each other on the radio one more time to say goodbye. Also, to learn that Casey had left my bag on the side of the station, thinking we'd see it, but with me in the back we passed it. It would have been hard to miss, it was just a skate case and orange and white. Oh well..
When this ride came to an end it was a Sunday morning out in the middle of nowhere, eastern Oregon. Almost no traffic, just a Huddle House. I was tired and covered with road grime by the time a fancy Corvette approached. I knew he wouldn't stop, so I didn't even turn around when he passed, at first. When I did look much to my surprise, the 'vette was backing up to me! That began what turned out to be my last ride, with an Asian man in a show room Corvette, and what a ride!
Peace
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