High School (Short Track)

It started out to be exciting and intimidating and scary, like most freshmen I guess. Being a loner I truly felt the pressure of the masses. I told myself I didn't care about the "cliques" or having the most people to say hi to in the halls, but in a way I did. So I was tough. I stuck to my old group of friends, and did my own thing.

Life at home was what was tough. Daddy was home and Mama went to work. So I took over cooking supper, and housework, in addition to homework. That meant I wasn't able to do afterschool stuff, I was busy learning to cook. I remember well calling Mama at work so she could talk me through biscuits or whatever. I had Daddy for company instead of friends, and he was, for lack of a better word, difficult. I know my sister was around at that time, but I don't remember much.

I had some good things, I got involved in chorus and met a guy that was very unique, and became my best friend. He looked like David Bowie, and would go from "distinguished" to plain silly in a second. He was struggling with his sexuality, and I helped him cope and he helped me, and we had a lot of fun in general. Our relationship is a story for itself as he became a hugh part of my life, even taking me to the busstop when I left home.

I had a boyfriend for a couple of years, he was not from school. He was a real country boy and worked and had a car, so that was cool (I thought). I was allowed to go to football games with him and ended up at the drive-in most times. He introduced me to some things, like R-rated movies, and Jim Beam. We would talk and talk, on the phone, at the pool, even some at the drive-in. He told great hillbilly stories, and he thought I believed them! I was crushed when he broke up with me the summer before my sophomore year.

Looking back, both the guys important in those years were as different as night and day. So was I on the inside, so it fits. Neither one suited Mama or Daddy, although they were always polite and friendly to all my friends. I'm not going into my other friends because I want to move on, and each of them deserve a lot of time. That's another blog.

That's all some outside things of that time, but it was on the inside that everything seemed all wrong. I spent as much time as I could away from home or in a book when I was at home. I loved to go for long walks in the woods with my dog, I loved nature and could feel at home inside myself when I was out. I felt the peace that was never in my home.

I didn't know the words for it then, but we were a "disfunctional family" since before my time. On the outside everything looked normal, like I said, but even my good memories, things I really thought were good, are overshadowed by a dark heavy feeling. I always had to be careful with what I said, or showing emotions. I was criticized for everything from my biscuits to my looks. I would try hard to please in the beginning and then nothing would be right, so I'd either have hurt feelings or I'd be mad. Eventually, I got tired of living like that, and I had gotten enough outside experience to know everyone was not that way. So I had to go find a better way. I was seventeen and had sixty dollars, and a feeling, so I left home on a Greyhound to Lexington, Kentucky. What a trip...

Peace

The Visit

I can see now that in this "blog" I will have to have past and present floating back and forth, just like real time. I had thought to just continue with a journal of my past, but for several reasons I am not ready to do that. So, I'll mix them.

A couple of days ago I went with little sister, Leigh, and family to Athens to visit my mothers' grave. It was the one year anniversary of her death and my first visit. It really hit me then, that she is gone, not just away. There is a lot on that subject alone, but I don't want to go there, it's past. Now it was more about the reunion of Leigh and me.

It was really good to be with them and to laugh and talk. They had all kinds of stories to tell, mostly funny ones. They seem to be happy people, and that makes me happy. Leigh had news for me regarding Mamas' last day at Spring Mountain, and the fact that she has filed a lawsuit against Spring Mtn., which took me by surprise. She started it almost a year ago, and just now told me, but that's okay. I believe it (the lawsuit) is warranted, and I'm glad she took it on herself to do it.

My hope is that Leigh and I can begin to have a good relationship as friends and sisters. Lord knows it has been umm, somewhat rocky in the past. I think we are off to a good start, I will do my part. Here's to family!

Peace

A Nutshell

September

Another month is here already! This is the gateway to fall (in my mind), and I'm always sad to see summer end. Don't get me wrong, fall is wonderful and crisp and colorful, and it can make me feel that way, but behind that is winter... I will work at enjoying what is now.

I have been thinking about writing about my past, I have been told it's interesting, and it is, and I don't want to forget anymore than I have. It's about who I was then, and who I am now. Let's see, where to start? I guess a little about my family when I was growing up would be good (or at least give some perspective).

So, I'm the fourth of five daughters, my mothers' first born. There is six years between me and my next older sister and myself and my younger sister. According to experts in birth orders that makes me an only child. Isn't that weird? Looking back, that's how it felt when I was comming up.

My daddy was a purchasing agent for Lockheed (high stress, I'm told), and my mama was a domestic goddess (homemaker). We lived a average middle class life, PTA, church, Girl Scouts, etc.. I mention this because in spite of all that, there was always an undercurrent.
It kept us apart, and even as a kid I was aware of something. A lot was blamed on Daddys
job.

I loved to play outside, anything or nothing at all, just loved outside. Girl Scouts was really important to me, as it got me out of the house, and taught me to camp. That was a biggie. Oh yeah, school was number one, and straight A's were expected. I was blessed, and it came easy to me untill the rebellion kicked in. That was somewhere during 7th grade and 9th.

Lockheed sent Daddy to work in New England the year I started Jr. High, and it was so great! Mama let me have some freedom, and she seemed happy. Then Daddy accepted the job in New England permantly, so we moved to Connecticut the summer before 8th grade. Things got bad in a big rush, Daddy had what they called a "nervous breakdown". I saw him cry for the first time and I knew then that he was sick. We moved back to Smyrna before Thanksgiving. That was a really hard time for everybody, and that is all I have to say about that!

That's my childhood in a nutshell. I had to say all that because that is how I used to tell myself (and therapists) I came to be a mess (as Mama said). That's all the shit I can take for now, I'll carry on next time.

Peace