Pervert

I am upset and I can't get the italics to come on so I can write in my "style" so Here is something new. This is a mad color to me. Can't do it.

:(

Legacy

This afternoon has turned into a "norm", one I'm not happy with. So what to do? I can't change him, but I'd like to see him happier. I feel bad seeing him off to work when he's already hurting, and then I do my thing and feel good. I think I have lived this way with another couple: Mama and Daddy...

All my growing years I remember Daddy dressing in a suit and going to Lockheed. Mama was a housewife and took care of us all. When Daddy got home in the afternoon he'd change clothes, Mama would get his tea and he'd read the paper or work in the yard till supper time. After supper he'd finish what he'd been doing and most times go to bed early. Once in a while he'd watch T.V. , but not often. I don't remember them talking alot and when they did, Daddy would usually fuss about money, and Mama would try to explain. They didn't have any close friends, except a small group that had been neighbors when they got married. Neither one had any interests, except the yard and garden, but no personal ones. They were both depressed, but Daddy was seriously so. Needless to say this made big impressions on me, and most likely my younger sister, too.

Now I see us like that, for different reasons but the same result. We could be enjoying our life much more. I think there are some ways George could be a little better. I mentioned some of these to him, but he didn't seem to be ready to make changes.

Now that I am doing so well there is a lot I want to do, I want to live and enjoy life and the blessings God has given us! So my delimma is do I go ahead and do my thing and take care of him, and leave him alone? I already had two things I wanted to do this summer that he shot down for his own reasons, and that makes me resentful, and I don't like feeling this way.

Oh well, these are the days of our lives! I do believe if I keep trying things will work out for the best for us all. I could use some help, though :)

Peace

Day By Day

Day by day is how it's been, I am happy yet discontent at the same time. I am happiest when I'm delivering meals, I get a real high. Then I rush home to fix lunch and see the soap with George before I take hime to work. Then I have the rest of the day to myself, and sometimes that's good, when I have plans. Days I don't have anything special to do I get antsy and tend to get blue in a hurry. There is plenty of things I always can do, sometimes I cannot get motivated, even when I want to do something, i.e. the gym.

I have found something that makes me feel good, and helps someone else at the same time- I have taken one of my "peeps" to the store twice. Delores has had brain surgery (she had a tumor), and she also has feet problems, so I understand her. She is seventysomething, and determined to keep walking even when it takes her forever and hurts. She also tries to pay her bills and is having trouble with it. I am cautious about how much I get involved with, but she talks to me and shares all these things,and I want to help her.

Another one of my "peeps" is a woman named Tillie. She told me last week that I was all she had to look forward to everyday and she hates weekends when I don't come. I decided to help her too, but she hasn't asked yet. I thought about going to take her for a hamburger last night, but I couldn't get out of my funk. I will, though.

I have been worrying about money and bills, and I have a hard time getting George to just go over them sometimes. I know worrying is negative, and I fight it, and I get mad and feel like I shouldn't be alone with that. I guess I'm not happy about our stuff and I don't want to admit it. I go up and down, and I've talked to Z. I guess I'll keep it up for now, at least.


Peace

La Grange (Linda)

Last month I was lucky enough to be able to go with Elissa to La Grange, Ga., where my sister Linda and her daughter Jessie live. The reason was to make wedding plans, but a lot more came out of the visit. Good stuff, great stuff! Linda and I talked about anything and everything, past and present. She is such a special person and I am so glad I can call her "friend"!

More next time...

Peace

Sisters

I have four sisters, and talk about differences! The eldest is sixtysix, the youngest fortyfive. I am the fourth in line, and oldest of my fathers' second wife. We never get together, not even when our parents died, and for a lot of reasons, that's sad. I love them all, and at various times in my life of fiftyone years, they have all held a very influencial part in my life.

Now, trying to put some perspective in words about us, I can't get the words right. My mind is spinning with memories: when I was five Karen took me with her on a walk in the woods, and we climbed through some barb wire and I got cut right above the back of my knee, I wonder if she would remember...I idolized her and followed in her footsteps by leaving home when I was seventeen like she did.

I could get lost like that, but that's not what today is about. Today is about restoring my relationship with Leigh, my younger sister, who lives close enough to meet for lunch once in a while. We did that yesterday, along with a little shopping, and had a good time, and good talk. We keep the talk light, about family (hers), and avoid things that would cause tension. Such as the fact my daughter has nothing to do with her, and Leigh has nothing to do with George, and Linda has nothing to do with her, Karen never has, and what a bunch of shit! Anyway, I am glad Leigh and I are becomming friends, and keeping it light is fine by me, for now. BUT-

Now there is tension between George and myself, because of a horse show my neice is in next week, that I want to go see, but George would not be welcomed. When I brought the show up he invited himself, and got hurt and angry when I reminded him he might not be welcome. So, because of a bunch of shit (I know no other way to put it), I am in a no win situation.

This seems to me to be a part of being a family, maybe not the best part, but still a part. Like any group of people some don't get along well with others, or even like each other, but are held together by some common thread. It is hard, sometimes, like this silly thing I have to deal with, but to me it's worth it. There is good in all of us and I think it's worth the struggle to be the aunt that watched Lindsay barrel race!

(I still don't know how to deal with this, but I will!)

Peace

Uppers and Downers

As in ups and downs, I thought that was a cute play on words, ANYway, that's how my life has been the last couple of weeks. I have felt like I need to make changes in a rush. I know doing that is dangerous, so I try not to give in. I have been trying to include George, as a lot of things I want to change have to do with home. Unfortunately, he has been hurt and in a lot of pain, and not in the mood to talk about or act on any of the stuff I'm into now. I understand, it's just bad timing on my part. I didn't plan on comming home and having him decommissioned, either(that sounds,and is completely selfish).

O.k., the Positive side of that is this: I have spent some time using the computer to shop online, looking things up, and in general just navigating around better. A few things Elissa tried to show me I thought I'd never remember are comming to me. A lot of times those incidences bring up more questions. I need a hotline to her just for question and answers.

The weather is starting to act a little Springish, and I feel it. I saw some jonquils in bloom yesterday and it made me smile for a long time. I also remembered home, Smyrna, the Jonquil City; and a ton of stuff related to that. I could go on for hours about that.

Now though, it's time to wind down and get George home, and myself to bed. I have been feeling so good during the day that I'm truly beat at night. So....

Peace

Home Sweet Home & Goodbye Sucks

Chicago is a memory now, it went so fast. Except for the mess here, I wouldn't know I'd gone. That's not true, exactly. I brought some odd souveniers, a mussel and a cork from our French dinner, salt and pepper grinders from our shopping trips, and of course a few photos. Oops, Mussel shell!

I had a wonderful time being with Elissa and Hubert. They are really good to be around, they are so in love and their joy is contagious. I teased them about being "mushy" but I was really envious, I think.

We went wedding shopping at Ikea, to the boat yard to see Bonjour, dined out a lot, to friends for dinner, to the nail salon, and just bummed around some. Just spending time together was the important thing to me. We talked about families, past and present and future. And a host of other things...

George and I Skyped several times, he seemed to be ok (even when the TV died). I always worry about him, I can't help it. My trips have proven that he can survive without me. He let me know he missed me, which always makes me feel good!

Elissa took me in at the airport and insisted on staying until I got through security. She is so sweet and protective. There was no crying this time as much as I wanted to. I can't find words to describe how I felt watching her on the other side of the security line. She was so beautiful, and seemed so far away, even then.

So, I'm home, ready to go back to my route and to start working on new goals. It's March now, and Spring is just around the corner, Yeahhh!! I look forward to every day, and I'm grateful.


Peace.