Back to Present!

I will get back to the corvette and the man called Stan (it took some work, but I remembered his name), after I stay in "now" for a bit. Sometimes it seems like looking back when I am already depressed just makes things now more depressing, I'm not sure why. Maybe because the lessons that I remember make me feel like I have failed. I have had so many chances...

...and look at me now. I am fifty now and on my birthday I made the statement that this would be my best decade yet. I have not gotten off to a very good start, my sobriety, relationship with George, finances, all wrong. I have some good things happening, and I try to dwell on them, but I have a nagging need to fix all the wrongs before I miss out on a good life. Or something.

In October George and I got in an argument over money spent on groceries (of all things), and mostly due to the fact that he'd been drinking all day, things escalated and his old violent self started showing. I could not talk to him and got scared so I left him. I was, for a short while, energized about starting a new life with Elissa close by. But I could not leave like that for lots of reasons, so I came home. Home. I'm still not sure I did what was best for me, as a woman, but it is the most responsible, I think.

I have since started therapy with Dr. Z, began looking for volunteer work, and try to be content with being a caregiver. That all doesn't sound like much. I am not content and I feel lonely and depressed. I know all the "have to dos" that is supposed to help, and I know I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and that is what I am doing. Some new things have come my way that are positive, Elissas' wedding being the biggest. I am so happy about her happiness. Seeing them at Thanksgiving was proof about that, and being included with the wedding plans makes me feel good and anxious all at once.

The above should be in two paragraphs, I started rambling. Before I started writing tonight I read everything up till now, and there have been lots of mistakes as far as writing goes. I'm glad I'm not being graded!

Christmas is comming and we are broke. I have tried to remember the reason, and be joyous, but, God help me, I have a ways to go. I keep trying though, one day at a time.

Peace

The Austrailian

Looking back, this man seems to be too good to be true. He was real, though, and I wish I remembered more of the talks.

He was a trucker, making a haul to California, the last leg of a long trip. The day he picked me up was his birthday and he wanted company. He got it, too. I was treated that night to dinner and a shower at an Auto 76 truck stop. (There used to be quite a few of these places and they were very nice and big!) We even had drinks and danced at a bar close by, to celebrate his "forty something" birthday. We parked there all night and carried on the next morning, across Wyoming.

Wyoming is hugh to drive across, and I remember the wind. At one point we had a motorcycle in front of us and he was literally riding sideways in the wind. During this time, Casey offered to teach me to drive, but for some reason I said no. I cannot remember where, but we spent a second night together and the next day we came into Oregon.

By this time I had decided to head toward Eugene, Oregon, where my sister, Karen, lived. Early in the morning that we came into Oregon we stopped at a truck stop just to go to the restroom, but I had been in the back asleep. I woke up when we stopped, and after Casey had gone in, I went in too. I left my bag in the truck, planning on running in and out. Much to my dismay I came out in time to see Casey pulling onto the freeway!

Of course I freaked, but I had the sense to go to a trucker that was just getting ready to leave. I told him what had happened and begged a ride with him to see if I could catch up to Casey. We didn't catch up to him, but got him on the radio. He thought I was still in the back asleep all that time, and was very upset. The problem was compounded by the fact we were going through a mountian pass with nowhere to stop. It was even hard to talk on the radio...

At one point we went through a weigh station, and I had to ride in the sleeper due to the truckers' company policy. I had lost Casey and my bag, but we did get each other on the radio one more time to say goodbye. Also, to learn that Casey had left my bag on the side of the station, thinking we'd see it, but with me in the back we passed it. It would have been hard to miss, it was just a skate case and orange and white. Oh well..

When this ride came to an end it was a Sunday morning out in the middle of nowhere, eastern Oregon. Almost no traffic, just a Huddle House. I was tired and covered with road grime by the time a fancy Corvette approached. I knew he wouldn't stop, so I didn't even turn around when he passed, at first. When I did look much to my surprise, the 'vette was backing up to me! That began what turned out to be my last ride, with an Asian man in a show room Corvette, and what a ride!

Peace

The People of the Trip

Beginning with the first ride each person had a story to tell. I have to say this first, thank God I was not picked up by anyone that was bad. I was truly protected, and I felt it and didn't worry (I was not a dummy,either). There was a few short rides that I don't recall, but starting with the first guy, I remember the "Special Ones".

My first pickup out of Lexington was a vacationing trucker that drove a big car and told me about the sights on the Bluegrass Pkwy. He was very polite. I rode with him until he headed south, and west was my only goal. That was the way most rides ended.

I had another man pick me up that wasn't so polite, but even he wasn't too bad. He talked alot until he found out I wasn't going to sleep with him. He abruptly pulled over on the off ramp and got out when I did. He slapped something in my hand (it was getting dark) and told me that it was in case I found someone I liked better than him. He was very sarcastic and as he pulled off I could see he gave me a condom! This was the only time I was thumbing at night, and then it wasn't for long.

I ended up one day in the suburbs of Indiannapolis, and I was picked up by a young couple. They told me that I was in a bad place to be on the road at night. They were going home and "partying" and invited me to come and spend the night on their sofa. So I did, and I got my first shower in a couple of days, and a steak dinner. Also, all the weed I could smoke, and beer I could drink. It turns out, the "party" was because the guy was going to jail the next day and that was how he chose to spend his last night of freedom....

I think I made it through dinner and one joint and beer and this party animal zonked out. The next morning they dropped me off right where they had picked me up and I continued my way west.

Next in my memory book comes Casey.....


Peace

The Trip

Okay. I have been searching maps to be sure of my beginning, but hell, who is? So I'll just start.

The afternoon I decided to do it Winn was with me. I sat down at our kitchen table with the atlas and closed my eyes. I put my finger down on where I was heading first (this was my decision making process), opened my eyes and saw Lexington, Kentucky. I thought this was cool, as I loved horses. So I packed one small bag and Winn took me to the Greyhound station in Marietta and I said my only goodbye.

The bus left late in the afternoon, so we rode into dark on back roads much of the time. It stopped at places that looked like nothing but an old front porch. I had a few drunks for company, along with several pregnant women, most slept most of the time. I was wide awake thinking and dreaming about what was to come. I never thought of ending up where I did, I was truly living by the moment.

I arrived in Lexington at 3 a.m. and to my despair found only one place open! I just went in for a moment and started my journey right then, with only my thumb and legs to depend on. I knew I wanted to go west, so I followed road signs and after a couple of hours got my first ride on the Bluegrass Parkway going west. What a way to start the day.....

Peace

High School (Short Track)

It started out to be exciting and intimidating and scary, like most freshmen I guess. Being a loner I truly felt the pressure of the masses. I told myself I didn't care about the "cliques" or having the most people to say hi to in the halls, but in a way I did. So I was tough. I stuck to my old group of friends, and did my own thing.

Life at home was what was tough. Daddy was home and Mama went to work. So I took over cooking supper, and housework, in addition to homework. That meant I wasn't able to do afterschool stuff, I was busy learning to cook. I remember well calling Mama at work so she could talk me through biscuits or whatever. I had Daddy for company instead of friends, and he was, for lack of a better word, difficult. I know my sister was around at that time, but I don't remember much.

I had some good things, I got involved in chorus and met a guy that was very unique, and became my best friend. He looked like David Bowie, and would go from "distinguished" to plain silly in a second. He was struggling with his sexuality, and I helped him cope and he helped me, and we had a lot of fun in general. Our relationship is a story for itself as he became a hugh part of my life, even taking me to the busstop when I left home.

I had a boyfriend for a couple of years, he was not from school. He was a real country boy and worked and had a car, so that was cool (I thought). I was allowed to go to football games with him and ended up at the drive-in most times. He introduced me to some things, like R-rated movies, and Jim Beam. We would talk and talk, on the phone, at the pool, even some at the drive-in. He told great hillbilly stories, and he thought I believed them! I was crushed when he broke up with me the summer before my sophomore year.

Looking back, both the guys important in those years were as different as night and day. So was I on the inside, so it fits. Neither one suited Mama or Daddy, although they were always polite and friendly to all my friends. I'm not going into my other friends because I want to move on, and each of them deserve a lot of time. That's another blog.

That's all some outside things of that time, but it was on the inside that everything seemed all wrong. I spent as much time as I could away from home or in a book when I was at home. I loved to go for long walks in the woods with my dog, I loved nature and could feel at home inside myself when I was out. I felt the peace that was never in my home.

I didn't know the words for it then, but we were a "disfunctional family" since before my time. On the outside everything looked normal, like I said, but even my good memories, things I really thought were good, are overshadowed by a dark heavy feeling. I always had to be careful with what I said, or showing emotions. I was criticized for everything from my biscuits to my looks. I would try hard to please in the beginning and then nothing would be right, so I'd either have hurt feelings or I'd be mad. Eventually, I got tired of living like that, and I had gotten enough outside experience to know everyone was not that way. So I had to go find a better way. I was seventeen and had sixty dollars, and a feeling, so I left home on a Greyhound to Lexington, Kentucky. What a trip...

Peace

The Visit

I can see now that in this "blog" I will have to have past and present floating back and forth, just like real time. I had thought to just continue with a journal of my past, but for several reasons I am not ready to do that. So, I'll mix them.

A couple of days ago I went with little sister, Leigh, and family to Athens to visit my mothers' grave. It was the one year anniversary of her death and my first visit. It really hit me then, that she is gone, not just away. There is a lot on that subject alone, but I don't want to go there, it's past. Now it was more about the reunion of Leigh and me.

It was really good to be with them and to laugh and talk. They had all kinds of stories to tell, mostly funny ones. They seem to be happy people, and that makes me happy. Leigh had news for me regarding Mamas' last day at Spring Mountain, and the fact that she has filed a lawsuit against Spring Mtn., which took me by surprise. She started it almost a year ago, and just now told me, but that's okay. I believe it (the lawsuit) is warranted, and I'm glad she took it on herself to do it.

My hope is that Leigh and I can begin to have a good relationship as friends and sisters. Lord knows it has been umm, somewhat rocky in the past. I think we are off to a good start, I will do my part. Here's to family!

Peace

A Nutshell

September

Another month is here already! This is the gateway to fall (in my mind), and I'm always sad to see summer end. Don't get me wrong, fall is wonderful and crisp and colorful, and it can make me feel that way, but behind that is winter... I will work at enjoying what is now.

I have been thinking about writing about my past, I have been told it's interesting, and it is, and I don't want to forget anymore than I have. It's about who I was then, and who I am now. Let's see, where to start? I guess a little about my family when I was growing up would be good (or at least give some perspective).

So, I'm the fourth of five daughters, my mothers' first born. There is six years between me and my next older sister and myself and my younger sister. According to experts in birth orders that makes me an only child. Isn't that weird? Looking back, that's how it felt when I was comming up.

My daddy was a purchasing agent for Lockheed (high stress, I'm told), and my mama was a domestic goddess (homemaker). We lived a average middle class life, PTA, church, Girl Scouts, etc.. I mention this because in spite of all that, there was always an undercurrent.
It kept us apart, and even as a kid I was aware of something. A lot was blamed on Daddys
job.

I loved to play outside, anything or nothing at all, just loved outside. Girl Scouts was really important to me, as it got me out of the house, and taught me to camp. That was a biggie. Oh yeah, school was number one, and straight A's were expected. I was blessed, and it came easy to me untill the rebellion kicked in. That was somewhere during 7th grade and 9th.

Lockheed sent Daddy to work in New England the year I started Jr. High, and it was so great! Mama let me have some freedom, and she seemed happy. Then Daddy accepted the job in New England permantly, so we moved to Connecticut the summer before 8th grade. Things got bad in a big rush, Daddy had what they called a "nervous breakdown". I saw him cry for the first time and I knew then that he was sick. We moved back to Smyrna before Thanksgiving. That was a really hard time for everybody, and that is all I have to say about that!

That's my childhood in a nutshell. I had to say all that because that is how I used to tell myself (and therapists) I came to be a mess (as Mama said). That's all the shit I can take for now, I'll carry on next time.

Peace

Morning Has Broken

I stole that title from a Cat Stevens song that is wonderful to me, has been for years. It's about the birth of a new day and I hear it often in my head when I hear the birds singing in the morning. That's a really special time to reflect for me. I think about the past day and plan for this day (even if it's just asking for a good one), give thanks for all the goodness in my life. Then I can go out into the day feeling peaceful and strong.

I remember a time when I was in recovery when I would sit on Mama & Daddys' porch every morning, just after dawn. I'd listen, and read my books,and meditate. Sometimes I would just look at the yard (which was great), and remember all the celebrations we had there. I can still picture that yard in detail, I loved it.

The yard is gone(sold to strangers), that period of my recovery outgrown, and Mama & Daddy are gone, too. In fact,this weekend, is the first anniversary of Mama passing. I miss her.

Peace

Just Tuesday

I am waiting to pickup George and even though I don't have much on my mind today,um, tonight, I figure if I'm going to do this I should keep up with it. So, let's see, today the EPB guys came and changed our TV to Fiber Optics also the Internet. It's some kind of way of receiving,I think. I'm a bonehead when it comes to stuff like that, big time. We are part of a test program, so we don't have to pay for a while. Isn't that spiffy? George is thrilled, he has 180 something channels and a DVR to play with. I guess I lost my mate....

Elissa and I had a long talk tonight and once again I realized how incredible intellegent she is.

She's great at talking and making sugesstions about problems. She always says something that means just what I need to hear, without being critical. It blows me away that she is my baby girl.

Got to go get Georgie.....

peace

I am having some trouble with the laptop, or is it the internet? I don't know a lot about either, but sometimes it gets so slow it can't keep up with my typing. Mama wouldn't believe it. (She knows about my typing history) Sometimes I think I confuse the computer and times like that it's best just to give it up for a while.

I just got an email from Leigh telling me Lindsay has high cholesterhol and she is only in 4th grade. She has to go on a diet and regular exercise program. I know that isn't a bad thing, except to a young girl it might be tough. I was on a diet for weight when I was in 6th grade and I remember.

Time to go get George.

Peace

Lost

Here I am...lost! Not to worry, it's nothing serious, just Internet, computers, that type thing. I just got my first laptop nine months ago, and knew nothing. With the help of two patient souls I am muddling along. Just sending emails at first was enough, I love it. I had to get into more, so now I am in Facebook, and Twitter, and now this. It is truly mind boggling!

This has been a long day, one I feel like has been wasted. Because of foot surgery I am supposed to be "taking it easy", and I feel like I'm being bad if I don't accomplish a fair amount. Old hangup. I think there is a little blues hanging around, so I am going to do the sensible thing and go to bed, and look for doing better tomorrow.

Peace

Lost

Beginnings

Beginnings are tough, scary, fun, no,mostly tough for me these days. I have a desire to try new things, though, so beginnings are necessary I guess. I am blessed with a good sense of humor, so I laugh at my mistakes, which means a lot of laughing. That's a good thing!

So, I am here, doing this and wondering why. I know part of the reason besides my curiosity, is my daughter. She continues to keep me updated as to what's going on in the world, and encourages me to try new things. Without her I'd be an old "stick in the mud". Yuck.

I don't know how to approach this, am I journaling to myself, or writing to an unknown? I have journaled to myself forever, in all kinds of notebooks that I keep put up for noone to read but me. This computer business is different. I could be writing to a pen pal I've never met. I did that once and ended up with a husband. Seriously. That was scary!

I think I'll stop for now and bring my dog in, as it's getting dark and she doesn't like it.